Home for the summer

I just came home for the summer from college two days ago! After finals, I spent a week in Los Angeles and another week at Camp Kesem, before making a 12 hour road trip home. I'm taking four classes at De Anza College right now: Communication, Sign Language, Theater/Acting, and Spanish for Health Professionals. I might have to drop a class though, taking 15 units in a 6 week quarter is a little too much. It's good to be back home! A lot of things have changed: new refrigerator, new used car, my dog is better behaved, and I think I've grown a lot. As of now though, there's the possibility I have to go back to San Diego to take Physics 1C over the summer if the waitlist for Fall Quarter doesn't get any shorter.

Camp Kesem is finally here!

I'm really excited to be counseling at Camp Kesem tomorrow! I've been training and fundraising for this camp for the past two quarters with a great group of other counselors. We're meeting the campers tomorrow on campus and being bused up to Camp Ronald McDonald, where we're going to be spending a week with the kids getting to know them and having fun. I'll only check my email and phone once a day for urgent messages, so it's nice to get away from modern technology too. See everyone in a week!

InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, Muir

The last official meeting of my InterVarsity small group was tonight at La Jolla Crossroads.

Ridiculously, I was contemplating going late or not going at all, because I needed to make more progress on my Muir 50 essay.

But by 4:30pm, I made the choice to prioritize people and community over work. Because there was always going to be work. And my community is always going to be there, but God was calling us to different places already and the dynamic was going to change.

After weeks of struggling with identity and worth and whether I could really call InterVarsity my home anymore in the midst of the leadership rejection and all the hype going around, I felt that I belonged again, that this was the community God placed me in and that it would be ridiculous to leave because of a single rejection.

The games were fun, we played Mafia in the hot tub. The food was good, we had Korean barbecue. I got thrown into the pool in my jeans and t-shirt.

The highlight of the evening was the event I was initially dreading the most. Affirmations.

So I try to make it a point to affirm people when they need it, but I usually do it as it comes. Tonight, we were going to sit around in a circle and affirm each other.

I was most afraid of getting "pity affirmations." You know, the ones where people affirm you for some minor thing that you did, but their heart is not really behind it or they're not being sincere. I was also afraid of not having substantial affirmations to give other people.

As our circle is beginning, I know I'm about to cry. "Goodbyes" are always difficult for me, and honestly, I could spend the rest of my life being a freshman with the same Bible study. But I knew God was calling each of us into new seasons of our lives, and for me, it is scary and unclear and lonely and confusing. And good. I know, but don't feel, that God's future for me is good.

Affirmations begin, and I'm sitting in the circle with my previously discussed fears. Hana Lee starts off with an affirmation for me, and the most genuine, beautiful people in my life God has blessed me with go on about why God has made me worthy and not ugly. I broke down, from the collision between godly encouragement and the lies of Satan I was struggling with the past couple of weeks. I cried, because I didn't want this to change or end, but I knew it had to. I cried, because in high school I was depressed and I had asked God to change me into someone who was cheerful. I cried, because I didn't deserved any of this--the community, the affirmations, the love.

A lot of the times, I try to act as if I don't need to be affirmed. I can give it away to others easily, but when it comes to receiving it, I pretend I don't need affirmation. I'll accept whatever the other person is saying, but I'm afraid to show that I need affirmation.

The truth is that it was refreshing, and just inspires me to continue to grow more in the areas I was affirmed in.

I also got the chance to give a public affirmations on other people in my small group whose words and actions and presence have been used by God to bless my life when I needed it most.

I like writing, but I know there are no words in the English language that can express how much this community means to me.

It's more than I can ask for, it's more than I deserve. God is the giver of good things, and without a doubt this is a good thing from Him.

So, if you're in Muir Small Group, whether or not you were present tonight, could you listen with your heart when I say that you have had a larger impact in my life than you will ever know. There are no words sufficient enough, so could you listen with your heart when I say that our friendship means everything to me.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

If you ever feel insignificant, don't.

Because to me, you mean the world.